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I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs . 
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Sometimes I talked to myself because I need expert advice.
I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Hey Dems, send Jill Stein your money. She's doing a recount of the Super Bowl.
If I saved money as much as I saved porn , I'd be rich.
Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I just bid on a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now I'm 10 minutes away from owning the Dallas Cowboys.
How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie
does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend
I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.
I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.
People say “the early bird gets the worm.” But everyone freaks out when I drink tequila at 8am
OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?
I have a very rigid exercise routine, involving daily jogs to the fridge to see what I have to eat. 