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Apparently, screaming "It's my money and I need it now!" out the window only goes over well in the commercials. 
This year, I'm thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.
People who pronounce ASAP with the individual letters aren’t pronouncing it as soon as possible
Oh,, and BTW,,,, Earth day is just another made up holiday to sell more earths
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked.
Kraft is recalling more than a million cases of cottage cheese because they weren’t stored at the right temperature. Isn’t that how you MAKE cottage cheese?
I judge you by your coffee. Skinny soy latte with hazelhut. Wears stockings under his pants.
Don’t try calling me back after you miss my call. I make 3 calls a year. You blew it.
Fun thing to do # 86 Leave "this is offensive" as a comment under a photo & never explain why
Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"
After lots of research I've come to a conclusion that women live longer than men to make up for the wasted time trying to park.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
Wishing all my friends a joyous, happy, and prosperous New Year. (If retail stores can jump the gun....)
The Redskins traded three 1st round picks and a 2nd round pick to get RGIII. All he has done this year is "Subway" commercials....maybe they save face and trade him for acouple of $5 footlongs 