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Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality... 
when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)
If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?
When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but when I'm busy, my phone blows up.
Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!
Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”
For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.
Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"
▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos ......
My friend just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"
When times are Tough, you know who your Real Friends are. When times are Easy...you know who your Drinking Friends are!
Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.
Thankyou for calling Comcast America's #1 Cable Co. My name is Habib Akmed Musaffa Akmed Habib, How may I mis-understand you today?!!!
The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”
Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. 