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This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fockers will panic and buy all the tin foil. 
Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?
.. To make sure they will arrive on time, I'm mailing my Christmas cards now.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.
Does anyone know if we have any wiggle room when it comes to the 6ft distances rule?
Someone told me that they had a little seizure and I had to resist saying pizza, pizza.
Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".
I wonder if he will put Hillary in jail now?
Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...
Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?
Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?
Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.
I wish my vacuum went "OM NOM NOM NOM" whenever it sucked anything up. 