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Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large. 
Mmmk....can we please have cheaper gasoline now that Ghaddafi is dead?
Me: "What was your major in college?" Friend: "I'm majoring in Debtology and Unemployconomics. Sure is a lot of students in the classes."
If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.
Duct tape and bungee cords on someone's car says "watch out, I definitely don't have any insurance"
I feel like I should apologize to my shower drain.
The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it.
Make a wish, and only you know it. Make a mistake, and everyone knows it.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine
Seasons Beatings from your local Dominatrix office.
The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.”
Some people's morning breath is an effective form of birth control.
My elderly neighbor wanted to know what my email number was.
California announced that Marijuana Dispensaries will be closing! Do they realize the dramatic impact this will have on the economy. Sales of Funyons, 7-11 Burritos, Visine, and all other junk food are going to plummet!!!
Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...
I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.
I'm the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible.
When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER." 