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I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won't notice, but, buy a new phone case... 
can we now bring Casey Anthony to Arizona please, I like their system
Ladies you don't sing better in the shower. It still sounds like sh*t, but you're naked so we tolerate it.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...
"Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album
Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.
What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?
Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.
I'm always on my ''Best'' Behaviour...It just so happens my Best Behaviour isn't very good!!
To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.
The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."
Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist...
Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.
Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here
I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.
I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.
My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."
when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.
The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline' 