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When I was a child,I acted like a child and had imaginary friends,now they just call it facebook. 
Time to go out and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.
If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.
I bought a new dog and named her G-Spot. Now I can't find her.
The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
advises all the young people, "Do not grow up; it's a trap!!"
I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy
Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.
Among words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
It's so nice having my family around for the holidays. It really makes me appreciate their absence the rest of the year.
Why is everyone so worried about the Mayans Calendar??? I just realized my Hannah Montana Calendar ends in 13 hours!!!!
Slippery Slope of New Years Resolutions: 1st Resolution: Go to the gym every day. 2nd: Feel guilty for not going. 3rd: Pie.
you never see the chihuahua in the Taco Bell commercials anymore...makes me wonder what's in those 99 cent burritos
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought hang on!
Kia recalls 146,000 US vehicles - there are gonna be a LOT of angry hamsters!
NO, you don't have “haters”. People just don't like you. Get over yourself.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something. 