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Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world! 
My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.
They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.
This girl tells me "you only call me when your bored "ughhh.... duhh!! why would I call you when i'm busy?!?
I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.
Kanye West would be folding sweaters at the Gap right now if Tupac and Biggie were still around.
RECYCLING RULE 101: if no one saw what clothes you were wearing today, its totally fine to wear them again tomorrow.
Sadly we often see the best in humanity only after times of great tragedy...
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.
It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.
Your In ur bed, it's 6 AM,u close ur eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30,u close your eyes for 5 minutes,it"s 1:31
ALERT SENIORS TEXTING CODE……..ATD..At The Doctors. BFF..Best Friend Fell. BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth
I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.
If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help
Maybe, just maybe, the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?".
For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.
Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.
Respect your parents. They made it through high school without google or wikipedia. 