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The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other. 
Hiding peoples status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin f*ck you're annoying but I don't wanna delete you cuz you'll notice.
What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!
If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker
old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.
Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...
I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....
You know that relationship is doomed when you already have 400 couple's pictures and the relationship is only 30 days old. 