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What's long and hard, but can't get up? A North Korean rocket. 
If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.
I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.
If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.
RadioShack has announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the U.S. RadioShack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation..
Goooodnight Vietnam !!! RIP Robin Williams one of a kind...
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.
Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it
my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.
Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....
You know those little screens at the gas pumps? They should start showing porn, so I can watch someone else getting screwed at the pump. 