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Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both.. 
If I lived beneath a tap dancer I think I would just put really powerful magnets on my ceiling.
I let my 4 yr old watch Ghostbusters last week & now she has nightmares. What part of "I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts" did she not understand?!
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I'm not really happy being a human. Is there a way to go a step back and be a monkey?
I've met 10 people from my Facebook and only 7 of them tried to kill me or stick things in my butt
[me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.
Dear dryer, I think you have an eating disorder. Sincerely, now missing 13 socks.
Dear Car in Front of Me: I'm not tailgating. I'm drafting.
I would probably buy my wife a lot more flowers if they were a plant that I could smoke and get high on once it died and dried out.
Ladies; if you suspect that your man is cheating, take him to that b*tch's front and and see if his wifi connects automatically.
Really, Fresh Prince's mother? One little fight and you ship him across the continent? You won't get a "#1 Mom" mug from me, I assure you.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world...
I don't judge you because your opinion differs from mine. I judge you because your opinion is imbecilic.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
MOM,,, Even the Cookie Monster WON'T EAT AN OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Why do saudis wear a pizza tablecloth on their heads?
I'm the kind of egomaniac who would walk out of an Olive Garden, bragging that I negotiated endless breadsticks into the price of the meal. 