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Dear long weekend: you are cordially invited to show up early for beer, good food, fun with friends and sleeping late. Please RSVP! 
When Life Hands You: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumaratem, Yellow #5, Natural and Artificial Flavours.....Make Lemonade!
If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.
PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"
I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.
The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.
I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.
Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.
the blue book value on my car just tripled...I filled the gas tank!
Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."
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