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I got kicked out of the supermarket for comparing apples and oranges. Manager said "you can't do that cause it would be like co..forget it." 
I believe in love at first sight, and love at last call.
I used to work for a psychic, and when I quit I didn't have to give two weeks notice.
The stores are packed with folks gearing up for their Easter fashion shows, the same way they do for Christmas. The central figure for both these holidays was reduced to wearing a loin cloth for one, and swaddling for the other.
''The corrupt fear us,the honest support us,the heroic join us.'' - V for vendetta
Im single by choice. Not 100% my choice, but still a choice!
My dream job is to be that guy at the mall who plays with those remote controlled helicopters all day.
I just saw the Easter Bunny buying Easter Grass and Rolling Papers at the corner store.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of martinis as “Plan B”
I’m having potato salad for lunch. Well, potatoes and olives. Fermented potatoes. I’m having a vodka martini for lunch.
So if Jesus doesn't see his shadow when he comes out of his cave this Sunday, does that mean we get 2,000 more years of hell on earth?
I think Wynonna has been "Snacking With The Stars".....
Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...
I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.
theres no "half-singing" in the shower... you are either a wimp or a Rock Star....
Took a major dump and when I flushed, I yelled to the stall next to me "Sh#t's goin down" ... silence
Thinking of renewing my vow... to never get married again...
I'm not saying she's fat. I'm just saying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know.... She'd be three of them.
I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today! 