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They say laughing 100 times is equivalent to working out for ten minutes, I'm scared if I get going I'll laugh myself into anorexia 
THAT MOMENT: When the cop car that just pasts you makes a U-turn, you begin to wonder where your car papers at.....
My heart's not broken; it's just under construction. Fines will be doubled.
Internal Revenge Service
ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling
The new legal DUI limit is .05, but if you're dyslexic, the limit is 50.
Every time you refresh your timeline less than 5 minutes after checking it, it should say "Maybe you should try making friends"
First rule of the women's club: listen to us. No no, respect us. Wait no, love us for our mind. Hmm no...I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."
I am afraid to make eye contact with women who shave their eyebrows off and draw them back on.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...
Girls, if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Angle, don't expect us to care what you think about what we look like.
What do you call a woman with no gag reflex>>>>>>>>>Wife!
Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels.
Rosetta Stoned: When you get so high you think you can speak a different language
Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.
I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.
I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.
WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)
You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you. 