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I dont know what came over me! I felt so confident speaking Spanish today! AND TO MY SURPRISE, no f#cking one understood me. Shoking... 
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. unbelievably rude."
Things ain't nobody got time for: That
I can't wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back.....sell all their crap on Craigslist.
What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....
Men think they have it bad, but they're not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
If you hand me a flyer in the streets there's 100% chance that I'll make a jet and aim it at the next bin. And miss.
Hey girls, quit leaving random bullsh*t at his house, like an old toothbrush or one sock. Leave your kids. HE'LL CALL. He'll call all day.
The lions in the den Daniel from the bible was thrown into was the first documented sighting of vegetarians.
Comment on people’s Instagram food pictures with “Funny how your body will convert all this into poop”.
Miley Cyrus is actually doing a pretty good job distracting all of us from her pretty awful music.
I'm not saying my ex wasn't pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Back in my day we also drank underage, we just weren't stupid enough to take photos of our illegal actions and then display them for all to see..
I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars
Don't worry about the bullet that has your name on it. Worry about the one that says "To Whom it May Concern."
Men, if you've been called a$$h0le by 3 or more people, you're an a$$h0le.
Today I was walking down the street and a cop stop me, he asked me if I had a police record ...I said yes ....Every Breath You Take and Don't Stand So Close To Me........ Thank-God, I got bonded, my cellmate Roxanne was just a little weird!
I have enough confidence; I just don't like you. 