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When I was young, I always thought that old people walk the way they do because they crapped their pants. Now that I'm older I know why. It's because they crapped their pants. 
If there is a hell, I already know that I'm going there. So at this point of my life, it's really go big or go home.
If anyone lost a roll of $20 bills with a rubber band around it...... I found it, spent the money and shot the rubber band at a suspicious looking squirrel that was eyeing my Reese's Pieces.
Dukes of Hazzard turns 35 today. Reminds me of our government how Boss Hogg is never charged for his corrupt ways. Obama Hogg !
How come it's the flirty, married women who act all snarky jealous if you post a pic of yourself with another woman?
My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.
This space heater can barely warm a room, there's no way it's going to heat a universe.
I call my condoms Peyton Manning. Cause they usually just stay in the pocket.
I remember "The Simpsons" episode when Homer won a Grammy, then threw it into a dumpster. A bum picked it up, and even he didn't want it.
I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “
I'm drunk and horny but not "call my ex" drunk and horny...
That guy has a couple screws loose... which is ironic because he's also a tool...
The Super Bowl is going to be cold, Sherman is a thug, Peyton says Omaha. We get it, ESPN.
We get it, ESPN. The superbowl will be cold, you don't have to remind us every 5 minutes.
Did Obama not give insurance to the Comedians around here?
Jeeziz...last night the big choice was either the Grammys or the Pro Bowl. Thank God there was a Reba marathon.
If I'm ever in a convenience that is getting robbed, I'm loading my pockets before the police get there.
I'm convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"
I fell in love with an Irish girl from the bad part of town. She had no time for me. She'd rather do the jig. 