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Monday I drank a Shirley Temple to mourn her, today I'm going to eat a Caesar salad to mourn Sid, tomorrow I'm having a Bieber burger & crossing my fingers.... 
myself. Sometimes I get ahead of
Why you miserable cork-soaker!
I'm the best dad in the world when i'm surrounded by strippers.
This Valentine's Day, make sure to give her something you both can use and WANT... A divorce
Malaria is a pretty name for a girl.
"I only like you as a friend, but I'm not going to tell you until you fall in love with me, because I want to break your heart." - Women
I shake my head at people's stupidity so often that no one will even notice if I get Parkinson's.
Love isn't going to knock on your door, unless you fall in love with a Jehovah's Witness.
Girls are supposed to dance. That's why god gave them parts that jiggle.
It's not you, it's your drawn eyebrows.
There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.
What is it with those female athletes, freezing temps and they wear them thin skin tight lycra suits, my wife wears more than that in a warm bed
Just got a call from the post office, can they start delivering some of my cards now, they're running out of room in their sorting office
So how did the Indians get home from work on snowy days before the white man came and built the roads?
Winds up to 108 mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...sure is making this texting while driving a real challenge.
All this slippery ice and snow is making this texting while driving a real challenge...
Women check me out all the time!! I'm pretty selective on which lane I go to when leaving a store.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless! 