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(Sigh) I Got kicked out of Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade , again... 
'm 50 and my girlfriend is 22. When we went out last night everyone at the bar made faces and call me a Pedophile. It Completely ruine our 10TH Anniversary
it too late to make my Facebook movie?!?!
sex with my ex was so terrible that I would intentionally give myself whiskey d*ck.
Funny thing is if we were all 100% religious, there would be nobody to do research and invent cures for diseases.
There's nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can't cure.
I hate the government but I fly the governments flag, support the governments troops and swear by the governments constitution as a symbol of my hatred.
My worst 3 subjects in school we're Math and English.
Do atheists refer to Godzilla as Nothingzilla?
Marriage: I gave sex up for this?
*Sees window of opportunity... *Cleans it.
Doc: I have good news and bad news. Me: Bad news first Doc: The bad news is you're dying. Me: And the good news? Doc: The wifi is back up.
P0rnhub will only let you watch 5 videos on your phone. That's why I have 6 phones.
Once you've made a person feel like they don't matter, they'll leave you alone, but they'll never forget.
Really, Fresh Prince's mother? One little fight and you ship him across the continent? You won't get a "#1 Mom" mug from me, I assure you.
Manipulating people for your own gain is wrong. Please like if you agree.
I'm so stoned........ It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light. Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
During the week your FB wall rivals p0rn sites but on sunday it's suddenly transformed into a religious shrine.
Not only am I saying I am out of your league, but we don't even play the same sport. 