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Sure hope someone in the stands knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver today in Dallas because there are going to be a lot of Cowboys choking 
Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My current clothing style is a combination of "sh*t I'm late", "sh*t it's cold", with just a hint of "I'm too lazy to look socially acceptable for you losers".
Be careful what you pray for: you just might get it. Kidding! Prayer doesn’t work.
She lost me at, "I don't watch football."
May the pillow be cooler on the other side ...RIP Stuart Scott
No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.
Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.
I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.
I'm a Mexican but not a "I'm driving around the city with out car insurance" Mexican..
"What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."
If you or someone you know is expecting and would like me to deliver the baby, please message me the date and location please and thank you. #bucketlist
Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I'm a Mexican but not a "I own a metro phone Mexican."
On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.
The best moments of my life when I was at my happiest, you will not find pictures of them on social media because I was too engrossed in the moment to think about taking a selfie of it.
If you tell a cop "I can't breathe" he knows you're lying because if you couldn't breathe you couldn't talk.
U were great when you stood for Freedom. now, you steal others Freedoms. Most effed up
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does 