Funny Status Messages

   The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin like 90 percent of the time that first year.

   I'm not afraid of killing c0ckroaches. It's the fear of his friends and family's plan to avenge his murder while I sleep, that haunts me.

   She has a body built like Pikachu

   take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.

   just because I have my cell phone number in my information doesn't mean you have full range of using it.. I would feel like a pretty big creep if I just took someones number off their page before asking for it

   once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.

   Twice already today I have warned my co-workers that I was on the verge of going "JetBlue flight attendant." It's the new "going postal."

   FANFKNTASTIC.... I just ''accidentally'' discovered TWITTER!!.... Turns out its the spot in between a girls TW@T... And her SH*TTER......

   So you REALLY have no clue how stupid you look with your over sized pants (with a belt) hangin so low. Really?

   The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.

   I think Kid's Lemonade Stands would make more money if they started selling Mike's Hard Lemonade

   thinks the markets are sliding faster today than a disgruntled flight attendant.

   I run 3-4 miles a day being a crook keeps me in shape... Cops are on the way ttyl!!

   You may not like her but Jesus thinks she's to die for

   Have you ever just wanted to kick someone and scream "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

   I'm so good at bullsh*ting that I just convinced myself I'm in a good mood.

   I'm just a boy.. standing in front of a girl.. asking her to love him.. long time.

   I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it's dirty again. This is bullsh*t.

   Dear Facebook, these people that you are suggestion her to friends with is making her sad. She thought you knew better than that.

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark