Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a half inch?? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...

   Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?

   It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   We should just give Detroit to Canada and see what they can do with it.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.

   Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Scenes from "The Exorcist" could have been filmed in my car while I'm stuck in traffic.

   70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk tou your doctor about Cymbalta.

   Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people