Funny Status Messages
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And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups. 
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting the ax.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
[Knock on the door] Police: Police! Open up! Me: What do you want? Police: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are there? Police: Two. Me: Then talk to each other.
The eclipse was ok but when are we going to get swarms of locusts?
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Misogynistic? So if he hit the golfball into a GUY's head, that would have been ok.
Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make it perfect. Have a great day. :)
Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!
Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair
They pudding Bill Cosby in prison
I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Space Force: Make the galaxy great again.
Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.
When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to the neighbor's cat and watch it run around the neighborhood like a little stegosaurus.
If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.
I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!
The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on
I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window. 