Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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A taser but for people who say "it is what it is". 
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Captain: relax, it’s just a title Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE *crowd nervously looks at each other *meek yet courageous man steps up M: No.
Me: *goes for midnight jog* My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait
My horoscope today just said "NOPE"
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...
concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?
Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.
laughing at your pictures
I'll keep my guns, my freedom & my money. You can keep the "change" !
what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican. 