Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

   Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

   You're trying to get me drunk aren't you? Me to myself

   I'm reading the Cheesecake Factory menu.. please don't tell me how it ends.

   I learned two things today. when you swallow a watermelon seed, they don't digest, but they do float.

   Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.

   If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

   Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

   Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.

   Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”

   Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...

   Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no

   I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.

   Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....

   Sick & Tired of pants and responsibilities.

   Love going on brewery tours. It's fun watching drunk people pretend to understand science.

   Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

   Just tried natural peanut butter. My week is off to a horrible start.

   This is not how to one chooses the most important person of the country. With a knot in the throat that wouldn't go down. It's always a fight to chose the lesser evil. Why can't it be the other way