Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

   I'd let you talk more, but you're not as interesting as I am.

   Well-behaved people rarely make history.

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.

   Christmas is the time for giving family. So I'm giving away my family 'cause I'm efficient like that.

   Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.

   My computer just told me that "hgsfdahgdf.jpg" already exists... WHAT THE F*CK... I'm buying a lottery ticket.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.

   If you don't have a job you can be homeless but if you do have a job you will be home less. Society, you just can't win.

   "Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient. "Why should I do that?" "The waiting room's full and the football game's on in ten minutes."

   A scientific study says that we should sleep 9 hours a day... but personally I think we should sleep for 9 hours in a night too.

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man your fist and he'll sit uncomfortably for a lifetime.

   Can't wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.

   Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

   The moment when your sense of smell kicks in is the exact same time that hearing the dog fart stops being funny.

   LOL at all these losers on Facebook on a Saturday night. I'll be here all night.