Lil-David Funny Status Messages

   My pregnant blond girlfriend found out she was having twins, she started cry, and said I don't want to wait 18 months for twins to be born.

   Today I was walking down the street and a cop stop me, he asked me if I had a police record ...I said yes ....Every Breath You Take and Don't Stand So Close To Me........ Thank-God, I got bonded, my cellmate Roxanne was just a little weird!

   Lets not get overly excited about the government shutdown, Walmart is still open!

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   The government shut down because of spending money he dont have- thats called bankruptcy and foreclosure.

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!

   "Hey David... Do you talk to your girlfriend while you are having sex? "Only if there's a phone handy"

   When I was a kid I prayed for a skateboard, then I realized God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness

   Two blondes stopped their car to let a funeral pass by..The first blonde asked, "Who died?".The second replied, "I think it is the person in the casket.".

   Have you heard about the blind hooker?.....You've gotta hand it to her!

   Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off.

   Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)

   Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!

   Not every idiot can read........But look at you go!

   I found the key to happiness, giving the wife money for bingo and giving the kids the newest PS4 game.... Beer 30!

   The way my kids act at Walmart, it's just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!

   Give me a 12 pack... My final thought before making a decision!

   If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and a woman doesn't hear him, is he still wrong?

   When I was a kid..They didnt call it ADHD.. They called it you getting a whoopin' you little brat!

   Name two things that will disappear if you ignore them long enough- Snow and Adolescence!