Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This whiskey would pair nicely with soft bosoms.

   The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.

   You know that one idiot that always flies by you when the roads are crappy? Am I the only one that secretly wishes they would go in the ditch or wreck their car?

   I’ll see your two hour spinning class, and raise you 15 minutes on the treadmill

   After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that’s also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, “You mean I’ve been eating a dangerous chemical?” While most people were like, “You mean I can eat my

   Can't live with her, can't live without her........what if your plane crashes in the Andes

   Vietnameese girl working at the parking lot at the olympics in Russia fired after tourist complained that all she said was "SOCHI SOCHI FIVE DOLLA'"

   The winter days I have to open the car doors with crowbar is the best.

   °ₒ°ₒ* #SochiProblems

   Be careful how many sticks and stones you throw at others because some are skilled at building catapults.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

   When the only light in your world is suddenly gone ...it's time to recharge your phone.

   Sorry I can't hangout, my phone is only at 61%.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex..

   The jobs report is so bad Obama should fire somebody, but that would only add to the problem.

   gaining weight while you owe me money.. is see that as a sign of dis-respect

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   Sorry I broke into your house, dressed your cat like Angela Lansbury, and filmed my "Meowder She Wrote" pilot.

   Any girls in a relationship; please write something.

   Men use love to get sex, Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.