Goober Peas Funny Status Messages

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   "Sometimes, women are so sensitive! Very nicely, I asked the woman sitting next to me if I could smell her armpits. "NO!" she exclaimed. I said, "Well, it must be your feet then." Now she's looking for something large to hit me with ツ

   I started my new abs workout tonight. I did 25 crunches while sitting on the toilet. I gotta cut back on the cheese. Oh yeahhh, feel the burn... ツ

   Life Fact #37: it's impossible to have a bad day when you're wearing 'Hello Kitty' underpants ツ

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   Why is it when that I ask what the acronym STFU stands for, everyone is so fricken mean??? ツ

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   Golly, I'm not quite sure if it's cold outside. Could someone please post a picture of the temperature in their car? Anyone? ツ

   I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements ツ

   Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ

   Kinda slow at work today, so I started browsing different pom sites. Cutest little doggies ya ever seen! ツ

   Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ

   I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because I'm a germaphobe. I just like everyone to think that I'm hatching a dastardly plan ツ

   If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ

   "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ

   Life is too shart. Stupid autocorrect ツ

   If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ