Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!

   Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.

   Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.

   When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

   Girls just wanna have fun? Yeah right, just try and not get her a Christmas present and see where that gets ya.

   Dear Zuckerberg: Please create a "Drama Queen" button = Like = Unlike = Drama Queen = Comment

   gonna make a bundle in zodiac tattoo removal!!!!

   sick of reality television show...If I wanted a dose of reality, I'd look out of my freakin window. -_-

   If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.

   walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In Morse code

   An error has occured: User performed an illegal operation when they got out of bed. Return user to bed to continue.

   Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.

   "I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"

   There are only 3 steps to sleeping with alot of women. 1). Have your own place. 2). Have a bar in your place 3). HAVE NO STANDARDS

   If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."

   I think we all have that look perfected that says, "I am paying attention and appear interested in what you are saying", when my brain is really thinking about stuff like pancakes, tv shows, and leaving work early.

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

   First drink & people speak their mind, 2nd drink people speak their heart. 3rd drink & people speak from their ass