Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's like my date doesn't even care about some of the core problems that faced the software development industry in the mid 90's

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I'm not sure either, but it's ruining every date we go on...there's sh*t everywhere.

   My home is in hell and I am home right now.

   I bet you Sylvia Browne didn't see that coming.

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at my new job, because there's no way I can run that far.

   My home is in Heaven, I'm just traveling through this world....

   I met a nice, down to Earth woman. After a few minutes of random conversation, I casually remarked, "I'll bet anything that you're not at all materialistic." She said, "I hate sewing, so no."

   I'm thinking about having children. Does anyone have a good recipe?

   Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are like Clark Kent and Superman, you never see them both in the same place. . .

   How do I stay fit and healthy? By drinking vodka and pushing kids off bikes.

   Ever have a dream you just want to write down so you can turn it into a movie? An island with dinosaurs, and a T-Rex. A T-REX!!!!!

   I go from love to restraining order in one marriage.

   I didn't get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.

   Your heart will always try to trick you into believing you can love only one. The truth is you can love many. Because love is everywhere.

   Seem we are experiencing an Atheist Appocolypse ... maybe we need to start stabbing knives in their skulls

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.

   [insert status unrelated to Sylvia Browne foreseeing her death here]

   Did it for the vine. Court date pending ....

   the reason it's called the deadlift is because the bloke who came up with it died.

   If this God wanted to impress me with his miracles, he would've impregnanted Joseph and not a poor, unwed teenage girl. That sh|t happens everyday.