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If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.
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02-21-2018 22:03
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How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
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08-26-2020 10:19
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I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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08-26-2019 12:35
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Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern
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02-26-2018 14:14
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Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.
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01-09-2023 03:40
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According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.
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01-04-2023 02:41
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Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.
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01-08-2023 17:20
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Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
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01-06-2023 01:48
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You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.
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01-06-2023 19:34
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If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.
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04-29-2022 00:48
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I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.
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01-10-2023 01:26
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Octopuses are just wet spiders.
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07-03-2022 06:38
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Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.
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01-23-2023 03:36
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When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.
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01-08-2023 17:22
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Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.
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01-08-2023 02:10
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Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”
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01-06-2023 18:28
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When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.
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01-06-2023 02:08
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Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.
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01-08-2023 17:23
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Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.
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06-09-2022 23:28
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When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.
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06-30-2022 01:06
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