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If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men? 
My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.
In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.
Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.
When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?
I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.
I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.
I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.
I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.
My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢
Me and my recliner go way back.
Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
[me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this
It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes. 