Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat

   It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.

   How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

   it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."

   I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

   Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...

   I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

   Coronavirus is cancelling everything but my bills