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If you find a snake skin somewhere, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same principle if you find candy wrappers in my trash 
Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.
A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.
I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed
When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.
Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion
y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.
Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the forth grade.
If you weren't sure whether or not to book a hotel in a Native American community, would that be a reservation reservation reservation?
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood. 