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I love you my friends ... and that's not just the beer talking ... its from the bottom of my bottle of wine too. 
I need something like an epi pen, but filled with caffeine.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Nice try, Tom Selleck, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived at Robin Masters Mansion for like eight years
Some people don't have issues… They have a whole subscription
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is totally acceptable.
Learn from your mistakes? It is far better to observe the stupidity of other people and learn from that.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
How did people get their blessings before Facebook was around for them to type Amen and share?
My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.
Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...
I want an app to mute nearby people.
As far as my liver knows, today's my birthday....
If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.
Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....
Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.
I'm trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue. 