Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ole Nancy and the other baby murderers are crying awful hard today...

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   If it isn't broken, fix it until it is. 🛠

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   Sold my homing pigeon 142 times last year on eBay.

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.

   The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"

   I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.