Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

   I’m done with my 90 Day trial of 2020! How Do I Cancel my Membership?

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar.

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal