Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Kim jong nu looks like a korean garden gnome

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   Now would be a good time to pave the roads

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

   All I'm saying is, you don't see many face tattoos on Jeopardy!

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.