Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

   Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"