Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

   Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.

   New Commandment: 11. Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.

   Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

   A guy at Kroger asked me if I know where Engagement, Ohio is. I said it's between Dayton and Marion.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   Obviously stupidity is much more contagious than Covid19

   Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe

   The Lysol commercial said I should disinfect what I touch the most but I have a feeling that's gonna burn.

   I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.

   I do all my own stunts but not intentionally.

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

   My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?