Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much ya got?" because I didn't wanna' sound greedy...

   my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.

   A girl is always RIGHT....Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless, unchangeable, and even downright stupid but not WRONG.

   Of course money buys happiness! You ever seen a homeless person skip?

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.

   When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

   What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.

   "It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.

   Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year.

   As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.

   It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.

   Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow.

   My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.