SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   I'm hungry, but there's a repair guy here and I don't feel comfortable eating. Suffering is funny until it happens to you.

   Team Edward, Team Jacob, & Team Hey Kid Read Some Anne Rice Already.

   My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an a$$hole.

   If everything goes as planned, by this time next year, I will have had a tremendous amount of work done.

   I wish the phrase “I had my tree flocked” was as dirty as it sounds.

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   I'm not superstitious. Stitious, yes, but not in a heightened sense. I am, however, super lazy sometimes.

   We've wrapped cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and are ready for the guy to break into the house while we're sleeping!

   Oh don't act like you never lean forward while pushing down on the gas pedal to go faster.

   I wish when people called me, instead of getting my voicemail, they got diarrhea.

   Groundhog Day is a good time for us to pause & reflect on how much I want Andie MacDowell to sit on my face & wiggle about.

   Laters FB... I'm tired of sharing my opinions And liking everybody's sh!t......and Pokin' folks I hardly even know... Peace Out! I'll do all that sh!t to y'all tomorrow.

   I've applied for a job at the DMV so I can be the one who decides who can have a license and who will f***ing walk.

   Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.

   I like to get paid daily and laid daily. Does anyone know how I can combine the two?

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   As far as I'm concerned, every Coldplay song is called "Nasal Rain."

   I don't understand why there's still murder now that you can watch naked chubby women tickle each other whenever you want on your computer.

   Just did that thing where you dump an entire pot of spaghetti on your head and start crying.