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thinks if I would have known I was going to be this thirsty this morning I would have drank more last night!! 
Traveled to the future and found out I'm flat-ass broke. Note to future self: Don't sell your boat and Plasma screen. Sell your wife.
I drink everyday that ends in “y”, I sleep everyday that ends in “y' I wish I could say the same about sex!
I Never Finish My Eraser Because It Is Either Stolen,Lost,or Cut In Half
my fish has just drowned
I just googled cleveland & google said no matches found the city has disappeared
Last night was my fault, my wife asked, “what's on the TV?” and ….. I said, “dust!”
California judge overturns Proposition 8 gay marriage ban. Williams-Sonoma registry server ban. Williams-Sonoma registry server crashes
"Apparently the University of Kentucky basketball dynasty is to continue forever." - Philadelphia Inquirer, December 23 1954.
Just realized that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a reindeer.
Whose bed HAVE my boots bed under? Seriously, I can't find them anywhere.
Dear Monday, nothing against you but I'm glad you almost over. Please ease traffic for me. Sincerely, THE TAILGATER.
walking through ICU at a hospital dressed as the grim reaper
When I was young I thought getting a yeast infection was sitting on dirty muffins while youre not wearing any underwear!
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
Teaching his dog how to be a ninja!
Roman Polanski's punishment for sleeping with that woman when she was 13 should be sleeping with her today.
puts the pro in procrastinate
hosting a seminar with noted Theoretical Physicist, Stephen Hawking. The subject of the seminar is TIME TRAVEL with emphasis on theorems regarding singularities in the framework of general relativity. Please RSVP. Our first meeting will be last week.
you are not a PC, you are a human being 