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Excited to try this new Starbucks Nigerian Ebola Blend this morning....yum yum 
I'm not strong enough to be your man, you weigh too much for me to lift honey. . .
I'll give up my thesaurus when you evulse it from my benumbed, cadaverous extremities.
I admit Mr. Ed was a pretty clever horse, but I'll bet he didn't write his own lines!
I wish gyms had a "montage" option
Relationship status: I drink to tolerate you.
All we want is a cheaper government. We elect governments so they can take good care of us and not the other way around.
I was changing the oil in the wife's car whilst listening to the A-Team TV show music on my iPod. Somehow 7 minutes later it seems she now owns an armoured bus.
I'm going to get dressed up in bear costume and go down to Best Buy on Black Friday and scare the people camping out in tents...
90% of pregnancies result from a sexual encounter where the woman did not even climax.
Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add your area code. Subtract your age. Add some common sense. What are you even doing with your life?
If you're fighting for bum sex, you probably can't even spell the name a disease or bad microbe.
I don't know what Ash Wednesday is, but you've got some sh*t ok your forehead
A zombie friend of mine entered the NY city marathon,,, And if you MUST know,,, Yes, He came in dead-last
Just read 'Everybody Poops' but I'm still skeptical.
God has given you one face, and you make yourself another with your drawn eyebrows, fake eyelashes and 2kilos of make up. - William Shakespeare
"Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her"; you mean she's a booty for me now?!
shout out to the hotel maids who have to change the sheets on february 15
My superpower is turning beer into pee.
If Dave has 7 snakes and Greg gives him 4 more,,, what's with these guys and all their snakes? 