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Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽 
The Seattle Supersonics are offensive to snails and turtles. 😛
You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.
Employee: We have to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.
I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"
Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.
OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right
Great Britain just opting for free agency trying to get some of that sweet NBA rising salary cap money.
Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."
Crooked Melania: So which is better, admitting she lied about writing the speech, or admitting she plagiarized?
Obama: "Don't boo... vote." Ghost: "I didn't really think that was an option for me but you've given me hope I have no arms or body but maybe."
When I die I want my ashes scattered over a Starbucks WiFi router.
To the Mayor of North Carolina: Corey Feldman could clear the streets with one song.
The flight attendant said put on my mask first before helping others. No problem. The guy next to me is shoeless so I want him dead.
The somke detector is not a timer...
US are specialists in making two countries fight.......Now they are fighting within themselves........Karma you Beauty
Hey Lady, Please don't blame the Holidays ..... For Pete's Sake ..... You you were Fat in August!!!
Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him!
I don't care about self driving cars. . . What I really want is a self FLYING car.
Bae, I got you bae. -Sonny & Cher 2014 