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My buddy used to be a store clerk but he lost his job, so he set up a kiosk in the mall to vend for himself... 
carefully placed a spider egg sack under my ex's pillow
Dear Nerf, Table legs hurt! Fix that. Sincerely, Stubbed Toe
Ryan Braun - way to beat the "guilty until proven innocent" rap!!
Okay Facebook lovers, you can shove your lovey-dovey cute couple pics down our throats all you want, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Gee what a goofy looking couple"
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
With our election choices, I now know how hard it is to be a gold digger!
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Don't forget that the guy who's the reason for the season loves you! And I don't mean Sam Walton.
Outlook for the rest of winter ... Criss de colisse de tabarnak?!?
Betty white to preform at next year at 2022 Superbowl ...
when 1 of my lenses fall out, I like to think of the glasses as half full
Sex is like a bowling ball, if your not using all three fingers, you're just cheating your game.
All those exercise videos are worthless, I watch them over and over and not even lost a Kg
Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.
If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.
It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.
Freddie Mercury has replaced Elvis as the go to star for Boomer ladies.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it? 