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I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch. 
distance can be so cruel when you love somebody
I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?
My prediction for the upcoming week: You will have many WTF moments.
As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?
I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.
I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.
They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.
Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.
My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.
My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.
My wife could not deside who to marry me or another guy who proposed to her. So she tossed a coin. I lost.
The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.
We can be the kind of people who put daffodils in vases. Or we can be the kind of people who leave ants outside.
Everyone is talking about the royal wedding but life isn't a game of thrones
Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.
I never go to bed with ugly women. But somehow I wake up with them.
Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first. 