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I was trying to impress my new boss, but it turns out that "collage" is NOT a fancy way to say "college". 
You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.
If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.
I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.
... Hey ..... My kid didn't have Child Safety Seats when growing up ... And look how well he turned out!!! He invented the Child Safety Seat and is now worth $187 Million ..... #SmartLivesMatter
Just got up to go to the bathroom and realised I left my work ID swipe card in my jacket. Found the jacket, checked the pockets. Found it. Then realised I didn't need my swipe ID to use the bathroom AT MY HOUSE....😑
This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.
Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.
When is the Olympic participation awards ceremony?
Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.
Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.
The More You Know: Jesus loved trees not cake, that's why on Dec 25th we have Christmas Trees.
A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"
All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.
When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?
Angelina Jolie filing for divorce? Maybe I have a chance this time. Anyone have her number?
I'm so jazzed .... It's obvious that Angelina DID get that letter I sent her claiming my undying love for her!! Still trying to figure out why it took her four years to divorce the Scmuck tho.
I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross. 