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I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway 
My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want, they send me a text message with my Account balance. I do however think that adding "LOL" at the end of the message is really unnecessary
f you're not offending anyone here, you're not trying hard enough.
How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?
Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.
If things are slippery when wet, then why is it so hard to get socks on my wet feet?
I went to the zoo today and saw the elephants . . . but I don't want to TALK about it!
A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.
i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.
Every dog has it's day . . . mine has his on the first day of March at H&R Block and usually ends up with a huge tax refund!
Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!
now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.
When I was a kid we use to have wonder at times who are real friends were, but nowadays all you have to do is delate your facebook account and see who calls.
If he say he is busy on valentines day, you're the other woman.
I just bought a robotic vacuum cleaner that not only works great it allows me to get something productive done while looking at facebook!
why is everyone working out? is there a war coming that I don't know about?
My goal is to accomplish something productive each and every day! Oh but wait, first I have to logout of Facebook.....
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Toilet Duck. Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet. 