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Didn't know Dolphins do coke. Do they turn their heads upside down? 
When a wife's deadbeat husband died. She had him cremated and his ashes placed in a 24 hour, hour-glass. He's now working 24/7 for eternity.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.
Geez I shouldn't have clicked on that flying drone ad as now my news feed is filled with a million different kinds of drones for sale :/
I'm so old I just sit around and look at Facebook all day.... like younger people do nowadays.
My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Wonder how many wife's the guy who giving marriage tips has gone through?
Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!
You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.
I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol
My son kept picking Tootsie Rolls instead of Snickers this Halloween like some sort of candy moron.
WHAT IS THAT ? A TWISTED SISTER PIN, ON YOUR UNIFORM !
"When did we first meet?" if we had sex the first I could recall otherwise dont waste my time !
You go to the refrigerator to see if something is appealing and later on you return to see if anything is appealing as if something magically appeared. Same as checking Facebook throughout the day- the same ol' over and over.
Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.
My Favorite machine at the Gym has to be the Television
Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.
A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect. 